Title: "You better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone..."
Blog Entry: (Bob Dylan, of course) I am no good at making decisions. Really. Even just choosing a sandwich could potentially render me useless (unless chicken and stuffing is an option, in which case, decision made). I think my lack of decision making stems from my habit over the past few years of making the wrong decision. I have been lucky, thus far – although I have made some rather daft decisions, poor judgement calls, none of these have been completely disastrous. I have not been kidnapped, or arrested, or married the wrong person in a drunk Vegas wedding. Not yet, anyway. At worst, I have walked away with a bruised ego, a broken heart and some degree of unhappiness that, admittedly, lasted longer than it perhaps should/would have, thanks to another poor judgement call. All of that, though, is not so big a deal that I cannot live with it. In fact, in some ways, it wasn’t even such a bad thing as, at least, I should be able to learn something and sometimes making mistakes is the only way to do so. That is fine. Hindsight is a valuable tool. However, it has made me slightly wary of my decision-making skills (and by “slightly”, I mean “extremely, and by “skills” I mean a lack thereof), especially those decisions that could potentially change your life, for better or worse. Every so often though, I do make a decision without too much hesitation. I thought that I had made such a decision last month. Although I don’t want to say too much about it yet, it is a potentially life changing one, involving leaving the flat, the city I have lived in for the 5.5 years (which seems like an awfully long time, looking back), my friends, my family. Although it would not be a permanent thing, leaving everything behind is a scary prospect. I did – as I am wont to do – think it over and reach the conclusion that it is one of those times you just have to face your fears head on, get over it and do what you have to do. I am almost certain I will regret it if I don’t go through with it. So, decision made, I even began to cautiously tell a couple of the people it would affect most about my decision, all of whom seemed to think it was a good idea. I even began to feel quite excited and was wishing I didn’t have to wait until next year to do it. It became top on my list of things to think about…and that is where I tend to fall down. I have a tendency to over-think things, and that usually ends up in me chickening out. I spent a rather enjoyable day out in London with my flatmate on Thursday, which resulted in me thinking that maybe I was being too hasty (me + too much time to think = a terrible thing), that maybe it would be unfair of me to just leave and for him to have to then find somewhere else to live etc. I even began to think that maybe it would be unfair of me to leave work and to leave my supervisor to find someone else for the team. And then I realised something. I could spend the rest of my time on this earth not really living because it may not suit someone else. I could spend the rest of my life letting other people rule my life because it is easy (this whole being captain of your own life thing…it’s harder than it seems) and I don’t want to upset anyone. The only problem with that is that I will then look back on my life in 50 years or something, and realise I have done nothing with it and will end up full of regrets, and probably bitter and resentful too. It is crazy to put a stop on my life for people who can do absolutely fine without me. I have no doubt that if my flatmate had the opportunity, he wouldn’t hesitate to move out of the flat without a flicker of guilt. I have no doubt that my supervisor could fill my job role without much trouble at all. And all this means one thing: if I do chicken out of the decision that I have, really, already made, I am letting fear get the better of me. Sure, moving on is scary. Sure, there are plenty of things that could go wrong, but that is a small price to pay for a fresh start and a chance to move on from the past few years. A new life, a new start, hopefully a bit of an adventure. It seems like just what I need. And all this, it turns out, was a rather drawn out way of saying: decision made. Phew.
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