My internal monologue that says that I am not good enough is rearing its ugly head again and again these days. I have to stop listening to the part of my psyche that is broken and full of doubt and listen to the inner psyche that says I am ok.
Yes, I am ok. Ok and ok and ok again. I am not a piece of dung not worthy of another's shoe. In fact, people actually care if I fell off a cliff. I can go through an entire list of things that I have been called, told, and what not. I just don't have it in me anymore to pontificate on such nonsense seems absurd.
To whine, piss, and moan about things out of my control is futile. I have bigger fish to fry in terms of the community and church activities that I am working on. I have to make the plan for the ride for Autism work. I may need to call in some big guns to assist on the planning because even though I am a smart cookie, I just want the assistance. I feel I may be taking on too much.
I know that if I tried to add anything else to my plate in terms of pet projects, my mind would want to take a haitus. I can feel the numbness of my brain ensuing. I know when I am overwhelmed because I get this inner monologue that starts.
I will say that I am still excited about someone and will always be excited about this someone. He is well WOW....and WOW again. I could never imagine that someone would treat little old ME so well. To be so respectful and actually care about my well being. I appreciate his presence in my life more than I think he will ever know. I think he is on to me, though.
I mean I think he knows how much I appreciate him. I hope that he knows no matter how small the amount of time spent is....I appreciate the time. If but for a moment, I'd be happy; call it setting my sights low but it really is not. It's the quality of the time spent not the quantity. Its the idea that I melt everytime I am near him. I just melt when thinking about him.
At present, I don't want to sound obsessive even though it may appear that way. I am not obsessive, I am merely stating that I care about someone and for once - the feeling is mutual. I am happy.
Truly, unequivocally HAPPY. Undeniably happy. This is wonderful. Yes, I am still petrified to be hurt but hey, I do not foresee it with him. He is too nice to hurt me. We compliment each other which is a big beetroot for me. I feel free to do what I want but know he is there for me if I need him. :) YAY! :)
Tags: Eunice Crankyponts
