~ I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. ~ Aristotle


Yes, the person who is in the muck of adversity, who has an inner battle and is conquering it is someone I can relate to and be proud of. As I do appreciate the strength involved in conquering enemies, it is the battle within one's own mind or body that involves a lot of soul searching and scar reparation that I take interest in.

I'd give a for instance but you, kind reader, are going to have to trust me on this one. Okay, I'll give an example, since you asked so kindly. For instance, the battle with substance abuse or behavioral health issues is a long road. I am going to make many a generalization here and please do not be offended.

The battle with substance abuse of which, is a progressive cognitive disorder which means..A dangerous, rapidly spreading psychiatric illness (PCD) that is both an emotional and cognitive dysfunction, sometimes with psychotic features.

Such a disorder is hard to overcome because of the symptoms derived from the disorder which include but are not limited to rebellion against the treatment, utopian thinking (the thought that there are symptom free solutions to the problem). That said, I really do respect the person that overcomes their weaknesses.

Another way to conquer self is to overcome fear. Fear is anxiety. Some have overwhelming fears.....


Eh - my thought processes are elsewhere this morning. I am having trouble concentrating on even writing this blog. I suppose I should go back to train of thought writing...rapid recycling of thoughts are fun but oftentimes, lead to mania. So, there it is - I am DISTRACTED. I do not like being distracted and feeling that I am not accomplishing much. I want to feel loved, needed, and useful. I have two out of three but the useful part - eh, I am not so sure on.

I feel I spend my days sitting around doing nothing. Though, I was laid off nearly a year ago, my life has been a roller coaster since. In handling the depression that ensued, I did not really handle the depression, I masked it with pretend happiness to my online friends. I was very angry and hurt by the lay off. Yes, it would seem that it would be easier in the long run but really - financially - it hurt. My fragile ego was bruised and now I feel that I am not useful because every interview I have gone on has lead nowhere.

This really is ridiculous. Though, I am under the impression that God's plan is in force and I will finish school and good things will come of my long educational path. I plan on going on for my masters but I am struggling in this last year of electives to attain my bachelor of arts in psychology. I feel distracted and want to refocus my energies.

I've not written a wonderfully amazing blog in a while, so bear with me, kind reader. I have a lot to say about what I've already stated but also about other things. I want to delve in to love and relationships here, too.

That said, let me talk about how hard it is for me to be in the beginning of a relationship. I am loving him and think I might be in love but I can't tell just yet. I know what it means to love someone and to be in love but I am not sure of the feeling because I truly believe that I have never had true love. I've gone through an unbelievable series of unfortunate events in relationships. Yes, I will not speak on the abuse I've been through. I will not speak on the men that used me and I won't delve in to the idea or fact that it takes two to tango and something within me was off and that's why the relationships did not work out.

This new man - WOW, just WOW. Though we've not spent a whole lot of time together, I already know that I want to be there for him. I want to be his confidante not savior. I want to hold his hand when he is having a hard time. Yet, my insecurities are getting the better of me. I feel I am not good enough for him even though he has more than told me that I do in fact, qualify.

I suppose I suffer from cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. On one hand, I know I am worthy of his time and any effort and yet I feel that I am not good enough. This is the worst place in the world to be. I need reassurance and kindness....he gives me that.

I just want to get it right this time around. I have aspirations with him. I don't know what intent he has but I can tell he likes me. The smile on his face....ya know?

I really care about him. REALLY do. I won't speak much on it, though because I get too giddy and go off on a tangent like a giddy schoolgirl. I will say YAY - and thank God for bringing him in to my life. Yay! :)

I can finally close the door to the past, too. I used to think that I can derive some meaning from all of my experiences with my exes but really - my psyche was broken long before I started dating.

So, here it is a babbling blog. I started with a topic and now I am concluding with an abrupt ending. I want to say that I used to hate Valentine's day - but now, it is growing on me. I actually purchased this man a Valentine's gift or fifty....don't tell him but I made a gift basket of Crankyponts proportion! I honed in on my creative juices and made purchases over the course of a week and then popped it all together with a bow on top. And yet, unlike other girls out there who expect a gift in return, I expect nothing because the gift is in the giving. The return reward is the satisfaction of knowing that I will see his smile. :)

Thus ends this Crankyponts blog.

Eunice Crankyponts

Tags: Eunice Crankyponts Thoughts

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