So I was on another social network that will remain nameless (FB) and the following was my status quite a few hours ago: has so much to say but not enough space to say it so I sit here and stare blankly at the screen; losing touch with what i thought was real; numbness filling this soul; poetry for another day. (yes, I can feel the creative juices flowing right here on FB - preview of upcoming ramblings from deep within). Just wait there will be a blog or something come out of these dark thoughts.

Yes, staring blankly at the screen and losing touch with what I thought was real. REALITY can vary. My reality may not be the same reality as the person sitting next to me in the same room. The darkness that has filled my soul over the course of weeks is not about to remove itself from my soul anytime soon. I have things to work on - deep seated issues that are rooted in my soul both on an intellectual and an emotional level. 

I feel skewed. By "skewed" I mean all over the frikkin place and then some. I have been through hell in the past weeks. I'd expound on the dark place I was brought to a few short weeks ago but I cannot bring myself to discuss it in a blog but it was a traumatic event for me which, has left me with nothing but tears and trauma.

In fact just last week I was so hopeless that I thought hey - I might off myself and I wonder who might miss me. Yeah - that hopelessness lasted for a millisecond but this is the result of the trauma I experienced. I don't want to die when I have so much living to do. By living, I have hopes and dreams of my future in the psychiatric field and apparently have a gift that people have told me about. 

Apparently, I am easy to talk to; I understand; and apparently get "it". Whatever that "it" is. I suppose I am a real live human who has been through hell and back and actually made another trip through hell but in a different fashion this time around. I am awake later than I normally stay awake. I want to sleep but feel the need to get things off my chest.

DARK CLOUD above my head!!! people!!!

I want to say that life is good and that I suffer no more than the next person because I am trying to convince myself of these things but that doesn't make my pain any less than the next person's pain. So what, I'm smart! So what, I have good looks. So what? What have these things brought me? Friends who care but most are fair weather friends. 

I have lost a love in recent weeks and gained a new one. One that I am more compatible with but I have not grieved the loss of the first one. Hell, I don't think I ever had him to begin with and this is a hard realization. I was an experiment or at least that is what I am left to feel like. Yet, like I said, I have a new love in my life. Someone I can relate to, someone I can converse with, and someone that can spell worth a damn. Someone that wants me as much as I want them. And yet, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I suppose I have to work on my self esteem and that black cloud that is lingering over my head in the recent weeks. I am sick of it being there. 

I just want the damned thing to go away! By black cloud - I mean depression unless you, kind reader have not already assumed. I think about all of those commercials for psychotropic medications and think DAMN THATs ME...Seroquel XR, and PRISTIQ - yes, manic depression is bringing me down (to quote Hendrix).

Ahhhhhhhhhh - there I screamed a bit but that isn't helping. I don't feel like being fun fun funity fun anymore. I feel like being taken seriously. I feel like not being involved in other people's drama as I am always sucked in to some sort of drama. Why? Well, that is because I am a sensitive person who cares. I have SUCKER written across my forehead in some invisible indelible ink. I must learn to be more discerning and take heed of my initial instincts - don't get sucked in.

I was praying for an amazing blog but this seems more like a whining sitting on the pity pot blog.....I am not manic anymore and my hand has gone numb.....so I will sit here submit this blog, then stare blankly at the screen, hoping, and praying that the black cloud that is mine and mine alone will soon lift to reveal a bright and shiny summer sun. I just want to sleep now. 

Eunice Crankyponts

Tags: Eunice Crankyponts

Bookmark: