Here I go again, people that piss me off.
Rather, things that tick me off.
Such as freedom of speech within my blog. I like to talk and use my blog as a conduit for my deepest and darkest of thoughts. I like to use my blog as a conduit to tell the world just where I am at within God's blue and green orb that is hurdling through space.
Don't mind me if I begin to ramble because that is how I write, I ramble on and on trying to make sense out of this nonsense that is rattling around in the pea known as my brain. I am sitting here thinking that maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe I was meant to have a series of heartaches only to figure out my own priorities.
I'd give ya a list of my priorities but really it's simple:
MY CHILDREN are my top priority.
Then there is ME
Then there is whatever things I need to do to run my household.
Robbing Peter to pay Paul
Then whatever man decides to saunter in and reak havoc on my heart
Currently, I have a man who lives over 100 miles away from me that I miss every few minutes of the day because he has taken great care of me the last time he and I were together. We don't get to see each other very often and on the one hand it sucks but on the other hand it makes sense to me. By making sense to me, I mean long distance relationships can be cool because it makes the time in which we get to see each other all the more special.
Of course, then there is the distance that seems to be coming between us. I suppose I am just waiting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy - who the hell knows because I FEEL I cannot get a straight answer out of anyone these days. Perhaps it is me not giving the straight answers.
My rattling pea brain is filled with so much nonsense that it seems the things that were making sense are no longer making sense at all. Sometimes I love too much and too intensely that it scares people away. Sometimes we get involved with people who are not healthy for us and we learn lessons along the way. I keep thinking of that song by Green Day:
Another turning point a fork stuck in the road;
Time grabs you by the wrist;
Directs you where to go;
So make the best of this test;
and DON'T ASK WHY!
ITS NOT A QUESTION BUT A LESSON LEARNED IN TIME.
Ahhhhh yes, a lesson learned in time. The whole purpose of time healing all wounds and then turning back and saying YES everything will be alright with this or that situation.
I crave intellectual stimulation people! I crave a love in my life that is not going to let me down. I think I have that but I am not sure because things that were so intense at the beginning have slowed so much that it seems almost stagnant. Perhaps it is me; perhaps it is him. Perhaps it is that test and the lesson learned in time that things that move too quickly at the beginning may not actually last because of the lasting debt of intensity.
Ahhhh lasting debt of intensity.....once the newness wears off there is nothing left to learn. Perhaps this new gentleman must learn more about me other than what is on my FB profile or written in my prose. Perhaps he must learn that I am sensitive and strong. I'd like to stay this way. Yes, I am sensitive and strong.....there is no doubt about that. I am also very entertaining when I am not suffering from inter-cranial rectal syndrome.
Ha! Inter-cranial rectal syndrome.....we all suffer from that from time to time. We all have our flaws but in the end we all find that special someone that is willing to accept those flaws. Why do I feel like I am whining? Well, maybe because I am and I am allowed to do that from time to time.
For me, as with everyone else, I have been through hell and back in this lifetime....yes I have spoken on this before in my blog but let me tell you what my hell has been. Eh - its no greater than the next person and no less than the last person. My hell are those lessons learned in time and well, I had the time of my life whilst suffering through the little bumps in the road.
I am a domestic violence survivor. YES - survivor. I survived a myriad of heartaches day after day for seven years! Though I chose that situation and stayed for many years because I lived on hope that HE would CHANGE. Then after a year in to starting my coursework toward my bachelor of arts in psychology, I learned the lesson that HE would not, in fact, CHANGE and I must do the changing. So, I left the bastard known as Satan the ex from hell. Of course, this ex is becoming a better person but I still don't trust him.
I have two children on the Autism spectrum and as special and wonderful as they are, they are tough to raise because I never know what their reactions to the world around them are going to be. They have come a long way since their respective diagnoses but I feel again, these are lessons that I am learning in time that I need to CHANGE myself. It is a damned shame when I have so many hopes and dreams for my children that might not happen. I suspect they will surprise me as they surprise me every day.
I look for no pity in this blog because I am a lot stronger than most.
I have a mental health issue that has creeped up after 16 years of remission. Yes, remission. I was once second to none. I was on top of the world working my way up in the world known as mine and mine alone. I was settling in to my career path, my coursework, and living my life as a single mother when the rug was pulled out from underneath me. That rug being laid off from a job that I loved. Though I understand the cost cutting initiative that the company had to go through but WHY ME? Again, not a question but a lesson learned in time!! I was not meant for that job position anyway.
BIGGER fish to fry - ya know? I have my coursework toward my degree to focus on! Damn it people! I have people emailing me to do this or that and I find that sometimes I am unable to handle the subject matter. People, I am human NOT superhuman.
Suggestion: if you feel that you have been censored then maybe that is for a reason. Don't ask why just learn your lesson and get a little humility under your belt. I am sorry but really this forum is for your own entertainment but when people are feeling a little bewildered, humiliated, or possibly offended then the subject needs to be brought up in an appropriate manner.
If I felt censored in some way, shape, or fashion - I think I would go off my rocker. Wait, I am already off my rocker or perhaps just sitting on the edge of that rocker. :P
Okay back to the original thoughts I had to talk about within this blog. I am loving someone people but miss the initial intensity we shared and now feel that love slipping slowly but surely away from me. These are my feelings that I own and no person is allowed to take this feeling away from me. All I want is a straight answer but I know that I am learning an important lesson here - TAKE IT SLOW because slow and steady wins the race. Is this not a lesson in a story book somewhere? Hmmm....let me see....um, YES!
For anyone who doesn't like what I have to say go flock yourself. And by flock, I don't mean the web browser...that is unless you want to web browse and try that web browser - then by all means go Flock yourself.
Right now, I am rambling to my heart's content to get the malarkey that is rattling in my brain out. Of course, I am told that I am good at writing and I truly hope that I am making some sort of sense. I am not looking for advice because I have all the answers that I want. Well, maybe I don't have all the answers to the questions but sometimes we have to live in the questions to get through them.
So, thank you, kind reader, for reading this seemingly schizophrenic blog. I have missed being light hearted and dark at the same time. I am breaking on through to the other side. (holy crap another song reference - perhaps I should become a DJ).
Be well, kind friends.
Eunice
Tags: Eunice Crankyponts
