The last month or so have been a break from the norm for me. Work has been crazy – tax year end – resulting in over-time (and if I’m glad about the money, I’m sure the tax man is loving me too. At least someone is). More on work in a minute. Secondly, I seem to have exhausted myself. This is my 6th tax year end at the company but I can’t remember being this tired any other time – despite the fact I have done more over-time in previous years I think. If this is what turning 25 does to a girl…my goodness. Anyway, despite the fact I’ve been feeling extremely tired (there is always the possibility that I have a cold coming, as that usually has that effect, oh yay), there has been an upside or two. As I said, things have been a bit different for me the last month. I’ve been online less, and I have spent a lot of evenings reading (Stephen King’s Full Dark, No Stars, if you’re interested) before attempting to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I do not think this is going to be a brand new me, but I had forgotten the simple pleasure of reading in bed.
That said, part of the reason I have been offline – and remaining invisible for the most part when I have been online – is that…well, frankly, people bore me. That is a sweeping generalisation, I realise, and I’m only aiming it at the people I have on Facebook and MSN. I’m not sure what it is – something in the air, I’m assuming – but everyone seems to be getting into relationships/getting married/getting pregnant lately and, as if by some giant conspiracy, that is ALL anyone seems to want to talk about. I’m not completely heartless. If someone is getting married or into a new relationship, I’m pleased for them. If someone has just found out they are having a baby, I’m happy for them. But that doesn’t mean that is all I want to hear. One friend, for instance, has just officially announced he is in a relationship with a girl we have discussed many times and is, in his own words “crazy” and “unstable”. He has told me numerous times that he was going to break off (what was) the casual thing they had going, though as it never happened, I had pretty much assumed there was only one direction it would be going. That one, I will admit, might have just a tinge of biased encouraging my decision as, if it wasn’t for the fact that we live a few thousand miles apart, there is every chance it could be on the end of the “is in relationship with…”. I’m not exactly devastated, it’s just odd, I guess. But, moving onto one where I am more neutral, shall we say, another friend has just announced that he will be getting engaged to “his beloved” later this year – note, not yet engaged, but popping the question in the summer – and now every single Facebook status either mentions how much he loves her (public displays of affection. Yuck) or is about wedding planning. Every time one of her family comments on something, he directs his reply to his “niece-to-be” or whatever. She is normally the first - or one of the first - to comment on any of his status updates, and it always seems to be the same, telling him that she loves her - very rarely is it anything to do with what he has said. Aside from the fact that I think it is far too soon for them to be getting married (but what do I know, cynic that I am), there are other things going on and it is getting very tedious only ever hearing the same things. Maybe I am in the minority here, but it is all a bit much. I get that he’s excited, I understand how exciting it must be, but that doesn’t mean that he can never talk about anything else. And he is not the only one. My Facebook feed seems to be full of wedding and pregnancies at the moment and maybe it is just stemming from feeling left out, but I would welcome something new and…I can think of no better word for it, interesting.
Cynical rant over, I will move onto other things… so, work. Like I said, work has been crazy. One the one hand, that has been good. Things haven’t been great lately and I have been feeling pretty fed up, so being able to throw myself into 10/11/12 hour work days has been pretty good. Weirdly, given the fact we have been in the office for a good few hours more than we would be on a normal day, the atmosphere was good and all in all, it wasn’t such a bad thing. The downside, though, is that spending so much time at a job I dislike has made me realise just how much I do dislike the job. No, dislike doesn’t do it justice. Hate. That is a much more appropriate word. I’ve also figured out that not only do I hate the job, I also hate the company. I really don’t know how much longer I can keep dragging myself into the office every day. I know it’s not exactly unusual for someone to dislike their job, or their company, but I am so fed up. I’m sure it isn’t an unusual thing, but having spent so much of the last few months at the office, I have realised just how clique-y that place is. Honestly, it’s like school or something. I am – as in school – not in the clique. This is evidenced mostly by the fact my supervisor will spend ages talking to the chick next to me asking how she is, what’s she’s been up to etc (one day he even told her she’d been working very hard and should leave on time instead of doing over-time – he didn’t say anything LIKE that to me, despite the fact I had been working longer hours than her) and he will say “Alright?” or something along those lines to me, rarely more than a couple of words, and usually in passing. On Thursday he said morning to the chick next to me, the guy sitting opposite her, the guy sitting opposite me (the guys aren’t even on his team) and didn’t say a word to me all day, not “morning”, not “bye” when he left. I hate the fact that I am working so hard to do a job I don’t even want to do, and I don’t even get a hello from my own supervisor. Arrrgh. And my colleagues…I like most of them, I do. But there are a couple that just annoy me. The chick next to me, for instance, is SO attention seeking. We were talking about fruit and vegetables the other day (we talk about food a lot!) and she said she likes broccoli, and then looked directly at the three of us in turn to look for a reaction. She also gets annoyed so easily and, I admit, it can be hilarious when one of the guys winds her up but sometimes it’s just boring....in the same way that anything that happens thirty times a day will. I can't count the number of times she stomped - literally stomped - off. There is a guy who sits to my left, Rob, and he is also kind of annoying. It’s not that I dislike him as a person – or the girl, Becki, really – but he’s just one of those people that just have to be involved in e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I’ll be asking a question to one of the guys (the work I’m doing is actually their teams work, so if I want to ask a question, I ask one of those guys as they have been doing the work longer than me) and Rob will butt in and try to answer the question. Half the time he hasn’t even heard the beginning of the question so he doesn’t know what I’m asking, and every time the other guys tried to give me an answer, he’ll interrupt them. More than once they have given up trying to give me an answer. And it isn’t just when I’m trying to ask a question, every time we have a conversation, he HAS to be involved. And most people, if they’re having a conversation at work, will just carry on working while they’re talking, but he can’t do that, he has an annoying habit of scooting over on his chair to talk to me or Becki.
One of the things that annoys me most about the company is that certain people will get away with everything. Becki and Rob, for instance, are frequently late. Becki, admittedly, tends to just be 5 or so minutes late, but it IS pretty much every day. Rob, though…Rob is at least 10 minutes late every day, when he does get in he spends ages staring at the desk before he starts logging on (on Friday he spent a good five or so minutes reading his Kindle before he started logging on), when he is logged on it’s only a few minutes before he goes upstairs to the canteen to get breakfast and the rest of the morning he seems to be away from his desk more than he is at it. He always gets away with it. Until recently, I would be about 5 minutes late most morning because of the buses, and my supervisor – who I do like, but has been annoying me lately – picked up on it pretty much straight away, wanted me to not only make up the 5 minutes I was actually late getting into the office but also the 10 minutes it took for the system to warm up/log on and even when I’d agreed to that, he said “We’ll see how it goes”, as if it is up to me what time the buses are. I had a bit of a rant about it at work the other day after a few discussions about it – as one of guys said, if you poke a hornet’s nest enough times… - and I think I ended up coming off as the bad guy, but, honestly, how is it fair that one person can get away with it when they drive in every day so could just leave the house earlier, but someone – i.e. me – who has no say in the matter is told pretty much straight away to make up the time?! Arrrgh.
So, obviously, I do not want to stay at the job I hate in a company I hate and that, ladies and gentlemen, means stepping waaay out of my comfort zone. I’ve mentioned before that I am not one of those people that steps out of their comfort zone particularly easily. Truth be told, the thought of having to go through the whole process of looking for jobs and having to go for interviews etc, terrifies me. I’m not good at interviews, not even a little, and if I think about it too much, it scares me into thinking “Maybe work isn’t THAT bad”…at least until I spend about half an hour in the office and want to scream. Which means, like it or not, I have to go through all that crap (and I also have to ignore the huge fear I have of my lack of skill in interview meaning I will spend the rest of my life in crappy jobs because they are the only ones I will be able to make it past the interview stage). Staying at this job would be the equivalent of self-torture, and while I may not be my biggest fan, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Tomorrow is a holiday in the UK – yay! – so I have decided tomorrow is the day I bite the bullet. I am taking the whole job search thing seriously, so tomorrow my plan is to stick a DVD on (well, surely you’re not expecting me to JUST spend the day looking for jobs?!) and spend the day updating my CV, doing job searches etc etc. I’ve said more than once that my biggest fear is waking up one day and realised I have wasted my life, and staying at this job is pretty much going to guarantee that it happens. Needless to say, I do not want that. So, as much as I am freakin’ out about it, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, huh?
Wow, this turned into a bit of a rant. Oops. Sorry.
Hope things are super for you all,
Love and respect,