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“Hi, my name’s Miiche, and I’m an addict – drug of choice, alcohol – with mental health issues – and have been assessed as Dual-Diagnosis, a mix of addiction and m.h. affected by each other. My story begins with my mother committing suicide when I was one. Apparently I was to go with her but survived by being smothered. My father finally got around to telling me at 14, and that was when I first picked up – alcohol and cannabis. At first it was rebellion, my childhood had been aggressive and isolated at the hands of a step-mother who never wanted children. Why then had she married my father and why had I missed out on a childhood of fun and mixing with other kids? My whole life since has been marred by my not being able to get close to the opposite sex for prolonged periods, in fact most of the times I found, invented or caused reasons for them to leave. A legacy. I left home at 16, never having received any psychiatric, psychological or counselling support. Off to the big city, by this time I was drinking for confidence and to forget. Soon after losing my virginity at the old age of 18 I met my son’s mother, she was an alcoholic, and we endured a chaotic six year on/off relationship before she left our boy with my parents one weekend only to return 18 months later, by which time they’d taken custody of him. At this junction, I’d left to the Middle East on foreign service. These were tough times, full of growing conflict and extremism, the sights, sounds and memories will always stay with me. And although I once managed to remain abstinent for three months, once I knew the recipe for wine, I was back on a mission. And only three other periods, two of a month and one of two months abstinence have followed. During this time I married and my daughter was born. My addiction and job intervened and we split, though we still remain married 17 years later, it is the worst thing in my life, and the end I refuse to accept though we’ve never met since. After a year out, due to the latter, I returned to the Middle East, then Pakistan at a time of heightened tension and incident, before moving on to a regional role across the C.I.S. (Russia and Ukraine) and Central Asia (the Caucuses). During this time I was admitted for chronic pancreatitis due to alcohol, and a further four hospitalisations were to follow. I retired due to exhaustion, physical and mental health deterioration in 2001 – and coincidentally, my helicopter touched down at the exact moment of the first impact on 9/11, I saw the second live in the pub. A few years later I was diagnosed insulin-dependant diabetic, the source of my deterioration, and it is considered my addiction kept me alive for sometime before diabetes was spotted. I’ve never denied my addiction, it was my Siamese twin, I didn’t know any other life – except pain and trauma. Flashbacks, depression and isolation became the norm – and I was finally prescribed anti-depressants. I was fine as long as I took them – the black-outs caused by the mix with alcohol was part and parcel, often a blessing – but if I forgot them I’d fall into the deepest of black holes. Such action left my making six suicide attempts in eight weeks in early 2008. I was sectioned twice but only the mental health issues were tackled. If I saw a psychiatric worker after a drink I was sent home. Meanwhile I engaged with an alcohol counsellor. They asked me to list the triggers to pick up – how long have you got, and I may have missed a few hundred! – and gave me a sultana to play with for 45 minutes so I could think about what I was doing??? You’re fired!!! Eventually, after two post-detox programs and several substance abuse open group meetings, I was accepted into residential rehab. It was intense, the memories necessarily came flooding back triggering suicidal thoughts. We don’t have the resources to help you with mental health issues, only addiction – was their reaction. Don’t the two intertwine and affect each other – mine. I was kicked out, but to good fortune. With the daily support of a home treatment team, I was assessed and admitted into to the first Dual-Diagnosis medium-supported housing project in the County. And within a short time, because all issues no matter which sides of the fence (in fact there’s no fence) are being tackled: I have a primary support team of three, I’m attending recovery related courses at a post-addiction skills learning centre, have an interview to go to college for a series of short courses and have championed the Dual-Diagnosis issue through attending and contributing to County health services pathways focus groups. Most recently, I’ve been asked to sit in on County Mental Health Network meetings as a service-user, and in March will make a presentation to health professionals at a Dual-Diagnosis annual event. If it takes a second to pick up or have a negative thought, I’ve had nearly a billion opportunities, and counting. My name is Miiche, and I’m a recovering – 24x7 - addict tackling deep mental health issues – 25x7. And just for today, I will strive to remain clean and happy. Thanks for taking the time to read to the end!”
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