So here goes, I'm gonna pour my heart out. Life is sucking right now, very hard. I am depressed as I have ever been and there is no end in sight. I know things will get better.... eventually. But when you're depressed, knowing that doesn't really help you all that much.
For my entire life, I've lived with women, the only man I've lived with long term is my dad. Girlfriend, mother, cousin, the relationship doen't matter, I've always been around them. In my opinion this is why I'm much more comfortable with women than men. But now, for the first time in a long time, I am living without a woman. I live with an old man, and I might as well be alone.
I met Sarah in 2003. She was dating my friend Derek, a dumb, unnatractive loaf with a great personality (chicks dig him) Long story short she left him because she could see that I was in love with her and vice versa. We moved in together and began "full realtionship status" pretty quickly. I said we were perfect, she agreed. For four years we lived together (we did break up for a few months, remaining friends, and eventually stopped pretending that we didn't still love one another.)
Like any relationship, we fought every now and then, but we always made up. Last year I did a bunch of stupid crap that put a lot of strain on us, and we began to grow distant. I saw it as just a series of bumps in the road that would pass, after all, love always prevails doesn't it? Now I realize that it wasn't the things I did, it was the things I didn't do. I wish I'd told her I loved her more often. I wish I'd showed her how much I loved her. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Last November, she left me. Out of the blue. I never saw it coming. In her words, "It's like we're not even boyfriend/girlfriend anymore" and with that she was done with me. I tried to talk her out of it, I tried to give her space and then come back strong, but it was too late. I had been replaced.
Forward to today. The last five months feel like five days, and five years at the same time. At work I'm silly, funny, obnoxious, professional, friendly, etc. The mask I wear holds up well, I don't think a single one of my coworkers knows that I secretly want to die. I want them to know so bad, but fear of what might come from sharing is too great, and so I keep the mask on.
I want to die.
Strong words. Just writing them brings me to tears, pulls at my heart and makes my throat hurt. It's not that I don't enjoy life, it's just that the pain of being alone is so great that I often think that killing myself would be the easiest way to relieve it. I know that it's not, but like I said earlier, feeling something and knowing otherwise...
I think that the only thing worse than being dumped by your fiance, is being rejected multiple times after that. I'm far from being "over it" but twice already the opportunity for love has arisen and I've pursued it both times. The first was with a girl I used to work with. Smokin hot redhead, dangerously intelligent, funny as hell, and always flirting with me. I knew it was a bad idea but I went for it anyway. Turns out she's engaged and flirts with everyone, but of course I only noticed what I wanted to notice.
Lonely Mark' attempt at new love, take 2: Another girl from work (Come on, where else is a loner supposed to meet chicks? I do NOT do the bar thing.) Again, a redhead (half blond) Quite possibly the most beautiful gilr I've ever seen. IN addition to that, she seems pretty smart and radiates self confidence. Oh yeah, and she's single. Cha-ching!........ Not. I tried small talk, I talked to people who knew her better, I even started going to the same church as she did (I used to be a member, now inactive) but the one thing I never did was grow some brass and actually tell her how I felt about her. It might have made a difference, it might not have. I will likely never know. The other day, she's looking up a code... to save her some time, I speak up: "4082." Her eyes don't even move away from her work, she says only "Shut UP, Mark." in an irritated tone.
"Shut up" might not mean much to everyone, but when it comes from what is in your mind the last little shred of hope for happiness you've got to cling onto, it does untold damage. Usually I am the master of hiding my emotions, but this I couldn't bear. I tried to go about my work, but I had put down my broom and walk, then, as the urgency of my situation increased, run to the bathroom where I cried for some time.
I have a steady job, a nice house, a BMW and pretty decent health. I've learned in recent months first hand, neither money or possessions will buy you happiness. I would give everything I have, every penny, even my health just to be happy again.
It feels almost like a survival instinct, wishing to trade all the neccesities for that one you're without, the one you need most to live.
The future for me is uncertain, and that is a scary feeling. I'm sure everyone is there at some point. My past is colorful, sometimes dark, sometimes bright, but always in color. The future in my eyes is just gray and blurry. My dreams and goals for have become unimportant to me. After all, what's the point in being succesful if you've got no one to love?
Tags: Divorce Engagement Love Sadness Depression Suicidal Suicide Rejection
