I suppose you can say that Eunice is no longer manic (was I really manic??) Hmmm, yes.
Eunice is tired from the worry of not working and tired from being at the other end of someone's frenetic obsession. I had to make a tough decision last week that broke my heart and yes, the choice to end a friendship was hard for me. I have been through enough in this lifetime and can no longer accept toxic people in my life.
The fact of the matter is that I love people, I am as nice as they come albeit naive, its just me - nice. Of course when I am in one of those "manic" phases I pontificate and get wild nutty, zany but here I am plopped back on earth after being ever so "lucy in the sky with diamonds" and now, my brain just feels numb. Yes, I suppose you could say that I am numb from the neck up.
I fell prey to many a thing in this mania - I chased after boys and boys chased after me and I loved every minute of it until those boys decided they were not really interested in knowing the inner workings of my mind that I was fun while it lasted but the newness wore off and well, there I was all bruised. I have come to the conclusion that I will not allow boys in to my life unless they prove their worth to me.
I am not one of those types of girls that does not take relationships seriously. I am not in the mood for players but this blog is not about that. This blog is about being a friend and when a friend is obviously hurting; as a friend I wouldn't kick the person whilst they were down and out and singing the blues. Yes, I have a sunny disposition for the majority of the time. It truly is how I mask my pain. I do not speak of my pain other than when I first signed on to the website sheesh TWO years ago!!! WOW - it's been TWO years (party anyone??? or did I miss that too?)
Incidentally, the entire point of this blog is to apologize to anyone that I have hurt, mamed, etc and so forth but do know that I am hurting, too. I am able to mask it because I keep my mind occupied with everything else but the pain, it truly is how I cope. Yet, when I reach out and say pose a question, and yes I love my friends to be forthright and honest with me; however, the forum in which my friends should let me know about myself is not out in a public forum say - right here in this blog - no, please tell me in a private message and do it in such a way that is somewhat tactful. Yes, even though tact is for weenies and those that need tact aren't witty enough to be sarcastic....there is a bold way and there is a completely moronic way to do things.
This person chose to blatantly lay it all out there - and other friends chimed in and told this friend WHOA wait a minute you were ever so bold as to do such a thing. Go on to say that you were bold and yes, that you can tell me such things about myself and yes, I can take criticism in a CONSTRUCTIVE way but when the bold criticism is blatantly off topic, it irks me to see that there neither was constructive criticism possible suggestions - it was just laid out there on the table - not really laid out but plopped down, spewed out, and completely off topic!! Had I wanted to discuss the topic in that forum, I would have brought it up.
I am writing here from my head and not my heart....because if I let my head convey what my heart is feeling well - it would just say I am hurting and bleed all over the place.
I am hurting due to many circumstances, some of which, are out of my control. I want a man just to hold me for but ten minutes - hell even five but it can't be just any man....and I'm not even sure if I want the man that is weighing on my mind. Sh!t - I just went WAY off topic...which, means that I am unfocused which, means I should end this blog NOW.
One last thing before I go -
I forgive you, my friend but it is over. I cannot give you what you need any longer. I cannot do the push and pull and ebb and flow and remain ever so patient...but really just need some time for me to think things through and really wonder why, after all this time would you do that? After all this time that I let my heart bleed all over my sleeve and then some - would you foresake me?
Oh and I completely forgot what I really wanted to say - AND the ADHD kicks in.
I don't dare ask any questions on this blog because it might be seen as a invitation to Eunice - bash. So I end with this - please remember that inside the core of everything I will always remember how the other person feels. I have to stand by my convictions here - and my conviction in this scenario is RESPECT. Remember, I lived with abuse for seven years and I will not subject myself to any even in the smallest increment. Even if the person meant well to tell me that I am smothering whatever the case may be - my patience ran out.
Thank you for reading my blog and have a wonderful night. :)
Tags: Eunice Crankyponts
