Now you all know that I'm a Yankee fan. I'll never deny it and love them always. (I also like the Mets, which causes me to have very few friends who will talk baseball with me. I chalk it up to the absence of the Brooklyn Dodgers, but then again I blame the Dodgers for my lack of a girlfriend, so I suppose I'm beating a dead horse on that one.)
And whilst I love me some Yankees, I can't help but want to grab my eyes from their sockets and pull them from my head cavity, inducing (according to WEBMD) "Instant Blindness, Intense Migraine, Sinus headaches and Cancer (again, from WEBMD) We haven't made the World friggin' Series since 2001. This is büllshit. Highest paid team in the Majors, if not in all of sports, and we can't even make the post season?
Really?
So while I am a bit perterbed with the Yanks (and not too thrilled with the Mets, Joe "Hey I guess I'm not washed up" Torre, and Don "I'm a friggin' traitor" Mattingly) I do have suggestions for what they should do to get back in their Zen place and pound one out for the 2009 season, new stadium and all that, I think it'll be good for them. So, finally, here are some things the Yankees can do to keep busy, now that they finally have an entire October to themselves:
Derek Jeter can go to an Oktoberfest party with a pop starlet. Four rings on his fingers, zero on hers.
Alex Rodriguez can take the time to check his stock portfolio and his divorce papers, to figure out how many homers he still needs to hit before retirement.
Jorge Posada can make a few extra suggestions to Yankee management about how the team must get better, only to have them ignored while another offseason goes down the drain.
Joba Chamberlain, forever in limbo, can buy a Magic 8-ball and ask it, "Am I going to start this season?" (The way things are going, it will only tell him, "Ask again later.")
Brian Cashman can take credit for the 1998 pumpkin crop, which was exceptional. And he can nurture all his baby pumpkins, which do not appear to be growing into anything of note.
Hank Steinbrenner can go to a Halloween party dressed as his father, and fire everybody in the room.
Brett Gardner can stop running for a few weeks and learn how to hit.
Mike Mussina can bask in a 20-victory season, without worrying about messing it up with another disappointing playoff performance.
Mariano Rivera can start aging - but not by more than a few days.
Robinson Cano can go to a hypnotist, who will snap him out of the trance that wrecked his 2008.
Jason Giambi can study his impressive home run stats from last season and wonder whether he ever really needed those performance-enhancing drugs that ruined his reputation.
Johnny Damon can watch the entire playoff run of the Boston Red Sox, and ask himself again, "What was I thinking?"
Phil Hughes can march in the Columbus Day parade, and be glad the Yankees still don't have a minor league team in Columbus.
Kei Igawa can go back to Japan and never come back, please.
Joe Girardi can start marking the days on the calendar until he is axed, unless the Yankees sign some serious free agents.
Andy Pettitte I respect as he took responsibility for the Yankees post season failure. And was the only player with the balls to do so. So you just rest that arm.
Hideki Matsui can take a few days off, but you know that he won't.
Carl Pavano can try to hand out candy without going on the disabled list.
My apologies for those readers not familiar with the Yankees/baseball/my immense penis. But I needed something to write about, to get me out of a funk (I'm writing a crappy screenplay so as to make money.)
Thats it.
=
Tags: Yankees Baseball Makes Me Sad And Cry At Night
