Love is a temporary insanity. If you've ever been in love, you'll agree. You'll do anything at any time for that person (the beauty). You'll give them your everything and expect nothing in return. But what if you're everything... isn't enough?
Have you ever given someone all of you? I mean literally given someone your everything, only to find out that it isn't enough? Inadequacy… (the beast) is quite possibly the worst feeling I've ever experienced.
If you know me you know I'm not a very open or emotional person. For over 3 years I opened up completely to one person. I literally gave him everything... only to find out that it wasn't enough.
Crushing.
I've never been so broken down in my life. I'm doing the only thing I can possibly do in this situation. Learning.
One of the things I've learned... You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. - Frank Crane
Trust is the key element in any relationship. If there's no trust, there's nothing. Trust shouldn't be handed out. Trust should be earned... especially if it's been broken before. Recognize that inevitably trust will be broken at some point in time. If and when it happens, that's when you have to decide if you're strong enough to forgive the person and move forward. If you anticipate it being broken from the beginning you won't be able to enjoy all the time you have together. Also if you dwell on it being broken, you will never move on from that point.
I've been on both ends of that deal. I've held back and questioned every aspect of the relationship with no reason and then when it ended, I wasn't surprised or hurt. I've also put all my trust in someone only to be disappointed and hurt more than I'd ever thought possible. I wouldn't change it for the world. I mean, in all honesty, who wants to go through life without experiencing love? Fully experiencing it. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens... the giving your everything and being rewarded with the same unconditional love or the giving your everything and being rejected. As awful as it sounds it's an experience that is very much appreciated. I have days that I struggle, but if I never experienced being hurt... I would never know how beautiful it is on the other side.
This last year I've experienced the highs and lows of love and I wouldn't have it any other way. I gave my everything to him and it wasn't enough. The thing is... I accept it. I've forgiven, forgotten and now it's time for me to stand on my own two feet and know that I am enough. I may not be what was "enough" for him, but I am enough.
The beauty lies simply in experiencing it. It's such a beautiful thing. You're stripped to nothing, yet you have everything. You experience the unconditional love and the always open arms. No matter if it's what you expected or not, you live… you love… you learn. The beast comes mostly from losing it. Hitting bottom, feeling inadequate, losing faith in yourself and not knowing if you can make it through the day.
You can't have the beauty and fully appreciate it without experiencing the beast at some point. All of these feelings make love what it is. And what it is… is everything.
Tags: Thoughts
