030thedailyslogblog THURSDAY 5 MARCH – Pay day again, it’s sucking me in. It ain’t gonna win though. Me, myself, I says NO NO NO. End of. Isn’t music such an archive and chronicle of our lives. Our, hopes, memories and tribulations spelled out in tasty lyrics and rifts. I still have youngish taste despite my middle years. I love music, and whilst I couldn’t live by radio alone, with the evergrowing number of music TV channels I think I could. That and the BBC News channel (I watched Sri Lanka win the one day cricket World Cup against Australia in that very Lahore stadium in 1996 where the recent terrorist shoot-out happened. It’s a sad world we know survive when sportsmen are targeted by gunmen). Any way back to music. When I met my wife in 1989 it was Roxette and ‘She’s got the look’ though probably the banned airtime hit ‘Je t’aime’ was more apt! When we fell apart I cried to, once again, Roxette and ‘Things will never be the same’. Right now a few of my faves are Pink ‘Sober’, Lily Allen ‘The fear’, Rihanna featuring Trousersnake ‘Rehab’ and TI featuring guess who? Snaketrouser (he gets everywhere and nowhere with the girls) and ‘Back home’ And TI’s about to go to prison. No matter how successful you are you’re still fallible, just like an addict. And all of us, addicts, cross-addicts, mental health cases and Dual-Diagnosis sufferers feel we’re doing a life-stretch of our minds and stability escapes us. Recovery is harder than escaping Alcatraz or Colditz. You know one of lifetime songs list is Anastascia ‘Left outside alone’. I’ve been so alone and isolated since my wife and daughter. But especially the last seven years when I’ve avoided relationships because of growing illness. I didn’t want a nurse. Now things are slowly changing partnership issues seem to occupy a lot of free down time. I so wish for that family buzz again. It’s the greatest feeling in the world, supporting and being there for each other through thick and thin. I suppose I want that completeness, the perfect excuse to recover, stay clean, serene and positive thinking. Wishful thinking will have to continue until those days arrive. Today, I have my first meeting with a new addiction counsellor. It’s the missing link in my Primary Support team. Then a lengthy session in a scenic location with my CPN to discuss attachment. My homework for this session was listing the qualities I’d want from both a step-mother, to address my childhood nastiness (she was a devil, my reason to first pick-up and quite a big factor in my mental stability around family issues), and a life-partner to address why I’ve always pushed women away when they got too close. But that’s enough of morbidity. Today’s theme is the music of life. Enjoy yours. Hugs not drugs. Positive emotions not negative demotions. We’re all sufferers of one description or another, and only strong desire to beat or block out the blues will see us through. STOP PRESS, breaking news! Been accepted for an ‘Introduction to Counselling Studies Level 2’ course and two ‘Art as Therapy’ workshops to start in April. And my mental health team is paying the fees, so all good. With that and the ‘Digital Imaging’ and ‘Website Design’ courses plus ‘Healthy Eating’ and computer drop-in means life’s gonna get very busy. Only the weekends to find distractions for, I’ll start photography soon, spring’s coming. All I need to do now is find funding for a laptop and mobile broadband. Plus find a way to buy Photoshop software. All this meaningful use of time is so so so positive. Big presentation tomorrow, so early to bed. 031thedailyslogblog FRIDAY 6 MARCH – Early start today catching a seven o’clock train upto the conference venue. Got off the train and there’s no taxis. Doh! Luckily a passing fellow passenger informs that you have to walk round to the opposite platform. It turns out to be nearly quarter of a mile!!! Do only people coming from one direction get taxis I ask myself?! Anyway, finally arrive at the venue with a minute to spare and the organiser sponging his pouring brow. I’m up second so just ten minutes to gather any nerves. And the coffee’s rubbish to no hyperness to help!!! I’m up, do it with only a glance at each slide. The talk flows freely, the nods are easily apparent. I’m saying the right things, my theme ‘Damn it’ works. Just a few seconds of quiver at the outset so I’ve come across as a seasoned presenter. But it seems my presentation regarding how I perceive the future of service delivery for Dual-Diagnosis (addiction and mental health combined) has hit the right spots in peoples’ minds. Through the rest of the day I receive many encouraging words, positive feedback. The few who ignore me are obviously thinking everything in the world is dandy, or just don’t like service users telling their lived experience and that there ARE faults with the system. Ignorance is bliss in their worlds. Must have made a good impression though because the event’s Chair has asked me to make a bigger presentation at a bigger conference later in the year! I’ve also re-established contact with one of my County’s mental health teams, there could be the opportunity to make a service user lived experience presentation to them and hopefully be able to sit in on regular Network meetings. Just issues of confidentiality for them to iron out, but that’s not my job. I want to expand this Champion area, and I think I’m getting the right responses to do so. All good. In the afternoon I facilitate one of the focus groups. And the day ends with a question and answer session, though no q’s to me, phew. I’m done talking, the throat’s dry and the head swimming. I get a lift home, so avoid the train, and even get in earlier. I look forward to a happy, peaceful evening. But, because of the early start and a sleepy brain I’ve forgotten to take my anti-depressants in the morning, and after all of the elation, a sudden and thick dark cloud, or is it clouds, comes over me. It’s not a nice evening after all, and I lambaste my housing project Keyworker by text for not giving the right or enough support in the area of addiction. I fact I think they should get some limited training just to get a grip on the issues facing addicts every second of every day.. My mental health side is igniting then firefighting the corner of addiction recovery, as my medication slowly kicks in. I shouldn’t be texting like this but I need to vent so I rid myself of the negatives and come back around to negativity. A day of two halves this. In a moment of cloudbreak I text my CPN to tell her what’s going on. Keep her in the loop of how I’m feeling, or is it suffering, and what’s going on. Time to bury myself for the weekend, it’s been a non-stop week, the first for years, and let the skies clear to blue-ish. Got food, coffee and the water’s free. 032thedailyslogblog SATURDAY 7, SUNDAY 8 MARCH – All I’m doing is watching the FA Cup on TV. Been a hectic week and I’m knackered. Need some serious downtime. Especially after last night’s cracks and warts. Clean, serene and just a little more positive about abstinence, recovery and the future. Now, where that’s dating website address???!!! 033thedailyslogblog MONDAY 9 MARCH – Early start again today, a new and very busy week ahead. Every day something to occupy mind and push the brain and imagination. This morning I have to travel down to the post-addiction learning and activities centre. And a new course, ‘Healthy Eating’ is on the menu. Aaaaaaaah! I must ashamedly admit I know zilch, nada, nowt about cooking, let alone healthy cooking and eating. Well, unless it’s in a packet marked healthy and I’m in the right frame of mind, it’s anything that’s ready to eat or just heat up. Not good for a diabetic! Let alone an addict and mental health case in recovery. But due to a step-mother in my childhood who didn’t cook, all stews, fish and chips and Chinese takeaways, and long-term relationships with homemakers in my adulthood the need has never arisen or been addressed. Home cooking, takeaways and restaurants across three continents has been my hunger filling career. But after seven years single I think I should really take an interest in feeding myself up. Get healthy again. My only negative today has been a travel delay, but hey, that’s a niggle. Stay clean, serene and positive thinking. And on the right side of Recovery Road, not left outside alone. 034thedailyslogblog TUESDAY 10 MARCH – Years have been wasted in desolation through addiction, and, isolation with mental health. Flashbacks, nightmares, PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome and anxiety from war and terrorism. Now is the time to change for the better, to awake, to have a life outside the bubbles of despair and pain. Today my ‘Skills for Recovery’ course resumes and about time. I’m on module three, diversity. I’ve had other things to more and more occupy me and my crazy mind, but the subjects and themes studied here are of great importance for relearning yourself and life’s big picture, coping and handling techniques some of us take for granted, let alone a Dual-Diagnosis sufferer, but when forgotten, mishandled or lost can sink us so deep so fast into negativity. It takes more than a simple life ladder to climb out and re-enter a more readily accepted equation and meaning of the world. It’s such early days in my recovery but I’m so grateful for my Primary Support team that’s feeding me the confidence and encouragement to regain my self esteem, and wake-up WANTING to get up in the morning and go go go. Where the bottle and/or darkness greeted my awaking, a hot cup of coffee and toothbrush now await. Then an hour or so travel. Scenery feeding my soul. Even the other ‘learners’ and ‘recoverers’ around me give me spirit and a smile. Replacing the need to escape the temptation of a park bench or hidden from view floor on which to crash and burn, or, sit planted in a darkened room, windows and curtains purposely blacking out the everyday worl outside. But I more accept people and socialising as time goes on as do those all around me. We all face and brace against negativity at some time, but I often feel blockages from people who neither experienced, understand or accept the challenges we addicts and mental health cases must encounter and challenge every second of every day of every week of every month year after year to life ends. And more. Amen!!!
Tags: Alcohol Addiction Recovery Mental Health Cross-addiction Dual-diagnosi
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