FRIDAY 13 MARCH – The end day of a hectic week filled with travel, over 300 miles this week, variety and further progress in my recovery. Abstinent and generally if not totally positive thinking. Living for the moment, today, and the opportunities I’ve strived for years to achieve. Did fall into a period of sadness last night which carried over into this morning. All stems from my CPN session yesterday morning. Attachment issues. Ambivalent and avoidant. And how deeply isolated the past and lack of counselling, support and guidance have, until now, made me. Too much time to reflect in the afternoon leading to a mild downer, some tears. Couldn’t even concentrate on TV, switched to music and its inherent escapism. Second session of third module for my Skills for Recovery course today. And my recent growing passion for get up and go, participation and contribution is waning. But, JUST FOR TODAY. I can’t seem to gather the strength to lead my group within the group. I just wanted to listen, but as a team-member I must support my fellow recoverers. And about halfway through I spring into life and get my act together whilst encouraging others, extracting their inner spirit. That done, a short break and onto the internet. Got the daily slog blog to update as well as editing, updating my website project business plan. And some research, although only a drop in the ocean of the list I have to get through. Twice weekly internet access seriously hampers my schedule. Do a bit of shopping then it’s a long traipse back up to the housing project for a mid evening session with my Keyworker. By the time I finish it’s been a 12 hours day. I’m not used to this, years of isolation and desolation, depression, trauma and suffering have passed. But, just for today, I’m recovering, abstinent, positive thinking and generally happy. Even if it is Friday the 13th. I’m going in the right direction. And attending all my appointments, courses. At last. Would have been seen as a miracle ever so recently. 038thedailyslogblog SATURDAY 14 MARCH – Another Friday the 13th passed. The second this year. Though my thoughts of superstition are somewhat absent. So much has gone wrong, not gone and not even played a part in my life of Dual-Diagnosis. In fact, every single thing that can go wrong has. And I suppose will continue to, though hopefully ever increasingly less than before. How can Friday the 13th have any bearing. It’s just another day, and if something goes wrong, not according to plan or just doesn’t happen at all when it should, then so what. Tough. Let it go. Keep on going. Tomorrow’s another day and positives do come out of negatives, and even out of thin air. The future looks busy but rosy, without the need for tinted glasses. Some music lyrics capture my moods and thoughts right now. I used to fear my enemies eyes. Keep on running. Farewell to the fairground. These rides don’t work anymore. Keep on running, there’s no place like home. How am I gonna survive this sober. Ok, the last one’s a bit tweaked. But well written, however abstract they may at first seem, can mean so much to our state of mind, individuality and being. One of Pink’s great songs, in my mind, was Who Knew. It captures the same sentiments as her inspiration for the song. Death of friends through addiction and mental health.. How geographical splits can cause an unintentional drifting apart from those we grew up together with and dearly love. How time can take so much closeness away. But now I’m nearly totally abstinent, so close but not quite there, and growingly positive in my thoughts and outlook. Thinking my daughter and others are returning to my life no I’m following Recovery Road. As long as I keep on trekking, it won’t be just for today. But the rest of my life 039thedailyslogblog SUNDAY 15 MARCH – Make a Happy Pasty. Adjust ingredients to YOUR taste. This is my yummy yum smiling baby. Measure out 4oz of flour, add 2oz of Trex, better than lard which is the alternative because it’s vegetable based and makes the pastry flakier, soaks up the juices, you can find it at the every little helps supermarket for sure. Mix together by hand until it resembles crumble. Add the minimum of water to bind together. Wrap in clingfilm and let it rest in the fridge. Finely slice potato, mushrooms, onions, a bit each of red, green and yellow peppers. Mix these together. Sprinkle flour onto work surface and pasty. But beat off any excess. Also coat your rolling pin with flour. All this eliminates sticking and further breakages. Roll out the pastry mix into a rough circle, tidy up the edges, about 2mm thick is good. Place veggies in centre. Add small diced pieces of steak. Season with salt and black pepper. Add some knobs of stilton cheese. Then three or four small knobs of butter. This helps make the gravy. Paste the edges of the pastry circle with egg to bind. Then fold in half trying not to break the pastry. If you do don’t worry, but pull out any protruding vegetables. Now now go to one end of the half circle. Fold over an approximately 2cms long part of edge. Then repeat all around the binding half circle edge. This is called crimping and seals the whole thing for cooking. Place on greaseproof paper laid on a baking try. Brushg your egg over the whole of one side and along the edges. If you have any holes, repair with bits of leftover pastry and paste with egg. Place in oven at preheated 180 or equivalent for about an hour. Check after 45 minutes. And voila a big smiley Happy Pasty. Just multiply ingredients to make more than one, of course. Next week, chilli pro carne. Just for today, eat well, be healthy, stay focussed and positive thinking. Just for today, even a lazy Sunday, stay on Recovery Road. Priatna appetite, or bon appetite for those of you who don’t speak Russia. 040thedailyslogblog MONDAY 16 MARCH – Caught out by the devil’s playground ride insomnia this morning. Awake and alert at 4am and by five give up tossing and turning. Had to be up and adam by seven to travel down for my Healthy Eating course, so I wasn’t going to take any chances of nodding off and missing even my double alarm. I haven’t purposely or otherwise missed any appointments since finding Recovery Road, and I ain’t gonna start now, not without a fight. It wouldn’t be the first time, even with abstinence’s clear headedness, I’ve come so far I’d hate to slip up on such a simple thing. I quite often suffer from insomnia, when abstaining or because of mental health issues, and it always slips by as dawn is near or breaking. Then I end up sleeping through alarms and onto lunch time. In times of active addiction or mental instability it can be a blessing. Escapism, to lose part of the day. Less of regular society to beetroot with. But not now, I must face all that’s thrown at me or I face. Sleep deprivation can affect so much of our physical and mental wellbeing. Our concentration. Our mood. Our judgement. Our appearance. Our otherwise happiness. And getting a good nights sleep is as equally necessary and important as keeping up a balanced diet, life variety and getting sufficient exercise and fresh air. All too often addiction can dull our taste buds, our desire to eat the right stuff or even numb the desire of seeming need to eat. Starvation is a regular staple of addiction, regardless of your poison. Mental health suffers from anything but a healthier lifestyle. Detours as well can be devastating. Today, in Healthy Eating, it’s Chilli Con Carne, but I’m calling mine Chilli Pro Carne. It’s got mushrooms but the nutritional ones not magic! Not too spicy for me though, I don’t like my taste buds numbed. And minimal seasoning as I like to taste the food not the additives. And garlic bread. No vampires near me tonight. But not too much to push the fairer sex away. Yummy yum yum. Bit of a change from last weeks Happy Pasty, and another notch on my culinary spoon. 041thedailyslogblog TUESDAY 17 MARCH – This is the first St. Patrick’s Day where I won’t be getting bladdered. In fact, nothing stronger than the chocolate sprinkles on a cappuccino for me, just for today! But I am going to a pub beer garden to enjoy it. Blend in with society. It’s a beautiful day so I’m gonna have a walkabout then a cuppa. First up though is travelling down for my Skills for Recovery course. Today we learnt about converting intolerance to tolerance. Global labelling, overgeneralisation and polarised thinking, meaning negative thinking. It’s the last session for ten days as ‘teacher’ is off to visit mummy for Mothers Day. Next Tuesday, we as a group, have been given permission to use our ‘classroom’ to get together and help each other do our assignments for the Diversity module part for our course certificate. Teacher suggests I facilitate. That would be fun. And a bit of experience in group leadership. Yeh, sounds positive. Get back up to the housing project and have a session with one of the Keyworkers, not mine he’s also on holiday. Everyone’s trying to get all unspent vacation time in before April or lose it, so I can’t really blame them. Weather’s fantastic for time off at the moment, so enjoy guys, I’ll still be here when you get back. Finally the day’s over at 9pm and I text a mate who’s in second stage rehab. I miss her, she’s lovely. But she wants to go to bed at 11. And I’m once again all alone in my thoughts. Bit a bit of a low mood since last Thursday, but nothing extreme. Starting to automatically adopt techniques and coping strategies these days. Nothing like perfectly. But practice, practice, practice. One day it’ll all become eau naturelle eh. Still cruising down Recovery Road in the right direction, and only turning off to sleep. Don’t wanna do that at the wheel. Just for day, it’s a beautiful day. And I’m so happy to be alive and finally kicking.
Tags: Alcohol Addiction Recovery Mental Health Cross-addiction Dual-diagnosi
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