I cannot fathom a good blog right now but feel the need to write. I am making a no holds barred attempt at ridding my mind of this one person. At times, I think if I write about him, I will get him out of my mind but when I try - it gets worse.
I am sitting here, thinking that I sound completely pathetic. Perhaps I do and guess what, I do not care what you, kind reader, think of me. I only care about what I think of myself. Perhaps people do not understand that three weeks ago, I fought one of the toughest battles of my life and lived through it to speak about it.
The easy way out would have been to let my illness consume me and take me to that place where no psychiatric patient wants to land which, is a vegetative state because my thought processes overwhelmed me. I fought the good fight and instead of break down, I had what is called a break through and sunrise of my spirit (a great awakening).
I had no choice but to allow one minute at a time and really delve in to my pain. I let the pain (psychiatric pain) rip through my body and I pointed it at the people who care the most about me. I let all of the pain, anger, and fear take leave of my mind and heart because I truly believed that I would die if I did not fix myself in each moment that passed.
I was firmly standing in the reality of my life but fighting against whatever force was trying to take over my brain (which were unusually low or high [not sure] levels in the brain chemistry). Hey, I did not sign up for this disorder but my experiential knowledge of what to do in crisis is truly what helped me through. I suppose if I did not know myself all that well, I would still be in the psych ward in solitary confinement in a nice fashionable wrap around jacket.
Yes, there is a sh-load of stigma attached to behavioral health issues to this day. People!!!! I am not ashamed that I took GREAT care of myself by seeking out treatment in my time of need. I needed to for the sake of my children. If Mommy completely loses it, then who would be the person to care for them and advocate for their special needs?
People just don't get it because they have not personally experienced it. I lived through the pain literally one minute at a time and sometimes one second at a time. The experience is inexplicable because you have to physically, psychologically, and spiritually experience it. I tried to contain it and hoped that the feeling at those few moments would carry me to the other side.....
I can neither speak nor write about this experience and I am not in the mood to write any more tonight.
One thing I will touch upon is the fact that I realized today that I am currently in the last class to fulfill my obligations toward my major in psychology; I've also completed my general education requirements but in order to graduate, I need 35 credit hours and these come in the form of elective courses. Upon review and further clarification, it has come to my attention that I will require 12 courses to graduate. Which, in turn led me to review my options, today. My options were to take 12 random classes to fulfill the requirements.
Yet, I felt the need to direct my attention to taking on a minor to accompany my major of psychology. I have decided on sociology and childhood development. I find that these two minors will complement my major. I am also looking at master's level work online and still have not decided on my focus for my master's level work.
What I do know is that the college I attend does not have the master's level work that I am searching for. I would like a master's in clinical psychology but I also like the idea and application of applied behavioral analysis so this will culminate with the fact that I will need to find an online school that will accept all of my credits on transfer in addition to picking a field of study within psychology or sociology. I suppose I would like to see the acronyms that stand for CiSW (clinical social worker), at the end of my name! :D
Okay, my thoughts are off course again - because I just realized that I am tired.
Be well!
Eunice Crankyponts
[in case you do not follow my blog on myspace - I keep forgetting to blog my blog here - does that even make any sense?]
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